So..as I have been tweeting about my affair I thought I would stop taking up people's timeline and write more here.
   Loving that man really cost me my sanity. My soul was laid bare and open for all to see when hubs drugged me because He thought I was sleeping with my boss and found about the real affair. It threw me into a psychosis which to be honest, I was probably already headed for due to bipolar depression. I went to work for 4 days psychotic. I tried to tell everyone that I was drugged but no one believed me and thought that I was on meth or something. There was even and Aids rumor going around about me.I admitted to trying meth before to them and that I smoked pot but that I knew I had been drugged. No one believed me. The holier than thou co workers thought I finally got caught from having an affair with this man and deserved what I got. I was so ashamed and completely torn-like the Natalie Imbruglia song. Really, listen to it. It describes me at that exact time. I had an office of my own kind of job working with people who knew about my past. It took a lot for me to work my way up from my bad reputation. This guy knew but he also knew I wasn't the same person as I was when I was just a kid screwing around. He knew me and the person I was striving to be and that gave me confidence. He was the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. If that makes any sense.
   I ended up in a mental health wing of a hospital for five days. On the 2nd day I walked by a window and the thought to "just jump" came to my mind. Luckily there were bars on the windows. by the fifth day I took a test to see if I was drugged but only pot came back. But I know what I know. Whatever he gave me was gone out of my system by then. It comes back to me in flashes. Hubs gave me a glass of tea to drink. He never brought me anything to drink before. We went to his brothers and got high. I got super sleepy and we left. I have no memory of getting home. This happened on a Friday and I woke up maybe saturday night crying and upset. I went outside and set on the picnic table trying to figure out what the fuck happened. I went to work. couldn't do my job. freaked out on the 4th day. the law got involved. Coworkers thought I had given the other man aids and that's what was wrong with me that and drugs. I was ashamed that the other man knew I admitted to trying meth and that I smoked pot. Those are the only things I kept from him. On the third day I left work after the human resource director told me to go talk to "him and that it would be safe". I didn't trust her and I couldn't trust giving away that we were indeed more than just friends even though everyone suspected. I had told him once my safe space was a bridge over a lake. So when HR lady said to meet in safe place (she meant break room) my psychotic mind meant the lake. I drove 16 miles. got out and laid on a bench and thought about killing myself. I mean truly doing it. I wasn't thinking about him, my family, anything other than I was broken and would never be the same again. The only thing that saved my life that day was the fact that I hadn't done laundry that week and had no clean underwear so I was wearing a pair of hubs boxer briefs. I didn't want to be found with them on and have people make up even more stories about me. That is the ONLY thing that saved my life that day. All of this grief over someone I never even slept with.
     I could of slept with him. I went to his house to "see his new horse". a year or two before my psychosis. we had wine made out and then I took the glasses to the sink to clean up so his wife wouldn't notice. I turned around and he was totally naked. My god he looked great. He was 40 then and in perfect shape. But. we were in his wife's home with pictures of his family on the walls, plus I was on my period. I had no plans to sleep with him there.Plus, it made me feel like a whore all over again. I just didn't want it to be just sex. To me it would of meant so much more. Like I said in my tweets our timing was never in sync. We carried on a bit longer but became more like best friends later instead of lover-like.  When I wanted to he didn't and vice versa. Now that hubs can no longer have sex I wish I had the memory of sleeping with that man but hubs would of killed me for sure. If I had known I wouldn't be having sex now I would of done it the second time he asked me just to have the memory.
Anyway, I know this was rambling and I'll do better on my next blog. with more exact details.